I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
