my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize