Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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