my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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