This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
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