I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
