I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Randomize
