god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
