It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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