Cold hands, warm shart.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
