My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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