so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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