I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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