dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
