Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
