you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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