i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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