I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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