I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
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