i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
