I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
