Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Randomize
