My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
