Apparently you make a good broom.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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