forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
