evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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