I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
