i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize