So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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