JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
