got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
