wrigley field is MILF paradise
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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