How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
