I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
