Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I just had sex on a roof
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
