It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
