My liver just broke up with me...
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
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