Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize