yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize