Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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