I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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