The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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