How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Randomize
