Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
