I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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