Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
