I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
