Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
