i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Who did Billy Mays play for?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
