i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize