Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize