Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
