Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
