If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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